As a very well-travelled gay traveler, I’ve been to 36 countries so far. I’ve met many new friends, including other gay tourists around the world. Travel is an eye-opening experience and I highly value experience in life.
A background story
When I was young, I didn’t know homosexuality was real, so I didn’t believe it…until I discovered Darren Hayes’s story many years ago.
Darren Hayes is an Australian singer, song-writer and podcaster. If you don’t know who he is, perhaps you’ve heard of Savage Garden. Yes, Darren was the front man and singer of the pop duo Savage Garden in the 90s until the group disbanded in 2001.
When Darren was a child, he was bullied by other kids at school because everyone figured out that he was gay except himself. When Darren was young, he had homophobia, and he married a woman in his early 20s. He was attracted to her hair color when they were at university. He says he is a very traditional man who wanted to get married and have children. But it turns out that he and his ex-wife had the same hobby – they often went shopping together and Darren was just like her personal stylist.
Although their marriage didn’t last for a long time, that experience made Darren Hayes exactly who he is today – he realized that he is actually gay after he was married to a woman, and he used music as an excuse to run away from home – that’s why Savage Garden was extremely successful globally.
After breaking up with his ex-wife, he almost fell in love with his backup singer (another Australian woman). But Darren says, “I’m not bisexual; I’m gay.” Therefore, it can be seen that homosexuality is not binary in most cases; it’s a spectrum.
Now Darren is happily married to a man. Because they are madly in love, Darren doesn’t want to focus on music anymore – whenever he is away for work, he really misses his husband.
I can relate to his story which made me really believe in love.
By the way, Darren Hayes doesn’t want to be a “gay icon” or a “gay artist”. He says he is just a man who goes home with a very cute English guy. I respect the way he thinks😊
My bittersweet journey
When I was young, I didn’t know I was gay, although my abusive and violent parents called me “a faggot” (I had a traumatic childhood, but I think adversity is the reason why I’m more resilient than most people – As a matter of fact, people who grew up in middle-class families or rich families have a huge disadvantage: They don’t have a sense of urgency. Therefore, I actually think I’m pretty lucky in this regard – I have a sense of urgency and I really, really, really want to be successful.)
I’ve summarized my journey below (key ideas are from experts who specialize in homosexuality):
Key Idea 1: Youthful noticing is a very accurate sign of being gay.
According to experts in the gay scene, the first sign of being gay is youthful noticing, meaning if you were attracted to boys when you were a child, you are gay.
Why is youthful noticing so accurate? Well, please let me explain.
When you were a child, you were the purest form of who you really are because you were not influenced by social conditioning, other people’s opinions, etc. For example, Robert Greene says, “What did you enjoy doing when you were a child? That is your real passion & you should pursue that passion rather than what your parents or teachers told you to do as a career.”
Similarly, who you were attracted to when you were under 18 years old can reveal yourtrue sexuality because that indicates who you really are. When I was about 10 or 11 years old, I had a crush on a boy in my class. For some reason, I thought it must be my problem because stories in the textbook says “The prince and the princess lived happily ever after” – I knew that a man is supposed to be attracted to a woman at that time. Consequently, I thought something must be wrong with me. Anyway, I didn’t tell anyone about my secret crush at that time. I kept it to myself.
Key Idea 2: Homophobia is another very accurate sign of being gay.
I met a homosexual expert at a gay venue last year. This guy told me that if a man is actually gay, chances are he have (or had) homophobia. In other words, because he was aware of his sexuality in his subconscious mind, he was afraid of his homosexuality. That’s why people like Darren Hayes would marry women – they had homophobia and didn’t want to accept their true sexuality; they just want to fit in.
I also had homophobia when I was younger. I still remember in my early 20s, I was hiding my sexuality very well. I didn’t tell anyone how I really felt when it comes to attraction. But my best friend asked me this question, “Whenever Victor is hanging out with us, you blush immediately. What’s that about?” At that time, I looked for every excuse to avoid admitting that I was actually gay.
I came out in my late 20s after dating a woman for several years. Actually, about 2 years in our relationship, we both knew something was wrong. But we maintained that relationship for almost five years because our emotional connection was real, although we both knew something wasn’t right in the bedroom. Then I consulted with many psychologists and figured out that I am actually gay, so I broke up with my ex-girlfriend and went to a gay bar for my very first gay kiss.
My anal intercourse
I came out before I had my first gay kiss. And I didn’t have my first anal intercourse until I was already 29 years old.
Before that, I only slept with women. For me, that’s only the substitute, although I do acknowledge that sleeping with women was a spiritual and emotional thing – I didn’t hate women’s bodies; I just didn’t feel quite right when I was sleeping with a woman. I still remember dating the hottest girl at university when I was 18 years old. She was physically escalating on me, while I was thinking, “Isn’t this too fast?” Well, maybe thinking like that means I must be gay. Anyway, I slept with a girl for the first time when I was 19 years old – that was when I lost my virginity. I didn’t hate that experience, but I didn’t really enjoy it.
Key Idea 3: The nude magazine test – if you look at a magazine full of naked women’s photos and then look at a magazine full of naked men’s photos, which one makes you hard?
Only the latter makes me hard, so I know I’m not bisexual – I’m just gay.
I met my current partner (another gay traveler) when I was in Germany several years ago. We are so in love. Before meeting my current partner, I tried anal intercourse with other gay tourists. Although those experiences were great, I think my anal intercourse with my current partner is the best.
My favorite movie is Brokeback Mountain& when I went to see Call Me By Your Name in the cinema, I was amazed by the fact that so many straight people also went to see that movie and they were not throwing up while seeing the anal intercourse scene on the big screen. I’m grateful that I live in a society where LGBT community is respected by the mainstream culture.